I finally did it. I bought myself a smart TV. Not that my old one was dumb, mind you. It may have been uncomplicated – simple even, but it served me well. My “old” TV goes way back to a much simpler time when the only knowledge required by the user was knowing the location of the remote control. After finding your reading glasses and your stray remote was lured from its secret hiding place in between the sofa cushions, you just needed to press the red “on” button. And to be mindful not to confuse the up and down arrows for volume with the arrows for channel selection.
I’m not certain how many decades ago I purchased that old TV. All I know is that, following a home invasion, I made a trip to The Brick to find a replacement. The friendly Brick employee promptly ushered me to the Entertainment Department of the furniture store, to show me their new line of something known as “flat screen” TVs. Oooh! The size of them! And the clarity of the picture! Unfortunately, the terms of my insurance policy required a replacement TV purchase – which in my case was a 24” “boob tube” (You know the kind: you call the television repair man. He replaces the picture tube and you’re good to go for another 10 years). Turned out they didn’t make that size anymore, so the closest replacement to the stolen item was an RCA 26” television, which I bought.
Another Brick employee, a strapping young man, carries the TV to my car and attempts to put it in the trunk. The box is too big, so he removes the outer packaging and places the TV face down in the back seat. “This will be much easier for you to take out of the car,” he says, “because you won’t have to reach down into the trunk.”
He’s right. Even though the TV was very heavy and somewhat awkward, I managed to slide it off the back seat, grab it and start carrying it towards the house. It was winter at the time. As I’m walking up to the house, I slip on the sidewalk and fall into a snowbank with the TV landing on top of me. I try to move, but I’m pinned beneath this behemoth. I’m fervently hoping that my neighbour will just happen to look out, see my plight and rescue me. No such luck. Well, that’s just great! I think to myself. I’m going to die right here with this TV on top of me. That’s not an option, I scold myself. I try wiggling one way, then another. Nothing. I’m stuck. I try again, when suddenly there appears to be some give. I continue wriggling and pushing until I free up one leg. This gives me a little more leverage and I’m finally able to roll over and remove that offending object off me. I’m enclosing a picture of the evil monster. Feel free to boo and hiss at him.
Well, back to the present. That old RCA behaved itself until recently when it finally gave up the ghost. This time, I shop for a new television at Best Buy where Black Friday Week deals abound. Besides price, my main concerns are that the new TV fits into the space I have allocated for it and that it has the proper connections so that I can continue to play my music. When I explain marrying old technology with new, the young associate gives me a blank stare and announces, “most people use an HDMI stick, now.” I guess I’m on my own.
The new smart TV is much bigger and much lighter, and I have no problems bringing it inside and beginning the setup. I’m feeling quite pleased with myself: I’ve got it connected to the internet, synched with my cellphone AND I can play my music on the surround sound home theatre system. But I have no television reception! My cable TV (yes, I’m still using that expensive, archaic system) provider tells me that I need a new cable box. Well, the new cable box won’t initialize and after hours spent chatting online as well as talking to a real person, the cable company sends a techie over to help me. Although I can’t play my music anymore, the cable box decided to work in the meantime. So when the techie arrives, I ask him about connecting the old and the new technology. He stares at me blankly and says, “we’re not trained to do that”. Well, at least I have ultra high definition television now.